Sri Ramakrishna Math : The Vedanta Kesari, Reminiscences of Swami Shivananda

Translated by Swami Atmajnanananda of the Vedanta Centre of Greater Washington D.C. from the original Bengali from Shivanannda Smriti Sangraha.

All power must admit defeat at the hands of bodily strength and intellectual dexterity--this is what I used to believe then. But the seeds of spiritual doubt again and again took root in my mind. It was at just such a period that I came to Belur Math, accompanied by two friends, seeking the darshan of Mahapurush Maharaj, Swami Shivananda. He was then seated beneath the mango tree in front of the Math building. This was in 1926, just after the Hindu-Muslim riots. My two friends had already taken initiation; I had not yet done so. After I made pranams to him, Mahapurush Maharaj looked toward the shrine and said, 'Go there. First pay respects to Thakur.' When I returned after bowing down in the shrine, Mahapurush Maharaj said to me, 'He (Sri Ramakrishna) is our protector and guide. We cannot take a single step without his command. Whatever we do, we do after first taking his permission. He is the living God. We lived with him. In how many different moods have we seen him! We have been blessed by his holy company and we have attained fulfilment by serving him.' This brief contact with Mahapurush Maharaj removed all the pain of my heart. It seemed as if I could directly see the presence of God within him.

Time passed as I continued my studies. Suddenly I felt the urge to make my life blessed by taking initiation from him. I wrote a letter to Mahapurush Maharaj. He replied, 'I am delighted to see your intense desire to receive the name of the Lord. Come whenever it is convenient and you shall have your initiation.' These life-giving words of his reverberated in my heart constantly and overwhelmed me. After overcoming various obstacles, I reached the holy feet of Mahapurush Maharaj at Belur Math five months later. His door was partially closed, but I was able to peep in through a small opening. Blessed were my eyes, and blessed was my life! I heard a voice, which seemed to come from behind me. 'Why are you here? What do you want?'

I continued gazing with astonished eyes. Then I replied, 'I want to have his darshan and make pranams.'

'Not now. His health is not good. If you like, you can make pranams from here and then go away.'

I felt extremely dejected, as if a massive weight had been placed on my chest. I used to live in my Calcutta home like one under house arrest. Braving innumerable difficulties, I again made my way to Belur Math two days later. The monks' quarters, the courtyard and the temples were all lit up by the rays of the rising sun. I went and waited outside Mahapurush Maharaj's room when a sannyasi said to me, 'You have come again? I told you that day that his health was not good; you cannot see him now. And what made you think you could see him at this time of the day?'

I took out the letter from my pocket and gave it to him. After reading a little he said, 'Leave the letter aside for now. It's not possible at this time.' I went to have the darshan of Thakur in the temple and then returned home dejected. In the midst of all my activities, the face of Mahapurush Maharaj, established in perfect meditation, would float before my mind.

A few days later, casting caution to the wind, I sneaked out of the house without anyone noticing. When I reached the bank of the Ganges, I saw passengers boarding a steamer. I also bought a ticket and got in. After getting off at Belur, I proceeded with great joy, feeling the pull of an unknown attraction. There was no one standing by Mahapurush Maharaj's door. The clock by the stairs had not yet struck nine. Thinking that this was my chance, I summoned my courage, opened the door and went in. Just as I was standing there, one of his attendants came in and said, 'Quickly make pranams and leave.'

I silently made pranams and left the room with a heavy heart, slowly descending the steps as one covered in gloom. Fate had played such a trick on me that I could not even request him for initiation. Tears flowed from deep within. I was suddenly awakened from that dazed state when I heard Mahapurush Maharaj calling me. He was standing on the verandah and beckoning me to come. I wiped my eyes and face and went up to his room. I was frightened and anxious; my heart was pounding and I could hardly speak. When I reached near him, he said to me smilingly, in a deep voice, 'What do you want?'

I bowed down before him and gave him the letter. I replied, 'I seek the blessing of initiation.'

I looked at him with unblinking eyes as he read the letter that he had written in his own hand. He raised his head a bit and said, 'Yes, you will have it now. Go to the Ganges and wash your hands and feet.' My body and mind danced with joy. I purified myself in the waters of the Ganges and returned to find the door open. As I stood in front of him, he asked, 'Have you brought anything?'

'All right. Go to the kitchen and get a fruit from the sadhu in charge. Tell him you are to have your initiation.' When I returned with the fruit I found that no further arrangements were needed.

On a raised wooden seat in the southwest corner of Mahapurush Maharaj's room, there was a photo of Thakur decorated with flowers and leaves. Two mats had been spread on the floor. In front of one of the mats were the utensils for worship and a plate with flowers and bel leaves to be used in the ritual. The other mat was on the opposite side. Mahapurush Maharaj motioned me to take my seat, while he sat on the mat meant for the worshipper. How wonderful was his worship! He became filled with emotion, his eyes and cheeks flushed. He said, 'Thakur is everything--mother, father, brother, friend. Today I offer you at the feet of Thakur.' After a while he uttered the mantra several times. Then he asked me, 'Is this not the mantra you were repeating?'

Again and again, Mahapurush Maharaj held my hand and showed me how to do japa. I bowed down to him, placing my head on his holy feet. This took place on the Christmas day, December 25, 1927.

Then he said to me, 'Go to our shrine over there and do japa for some time. Thakur is seated there, watching everything, hearing everything.' I spent some time in the shrine doing japa, feeling an indescribable joy within my heart. When I returned to my Gurudev, he served me prasad with his own hand.

I didn't tell anyone about my initiation except to my mother. I said to her, 'I must offer something to my guru. Let me have ten rupees.' Mother gave me even more than my request. She bought some milk and made four kinds of sweets. Two days later she sent me to my guru with the sweets, varieties of fruits and the money I had asked for. I reached the bank of the Ganges in the hope of worshipping the holy feet of my guru. The steamer, floating on the bosom of the Ganges, was filled with passengers. I got down at Belur and went straight to Mahapurush Maharaj's room. I placed the offerings before my revered Gurudev and fell at his feet. As I was getting up, he placed his hand on my head and blessed me profusely. Then he had me sit near him and very affectionately gave me many instructions. That experience has remained an undecaying treasure in my heart.

Once in a while I would go to the Math. Sometimes I would meet Mahapurush Maharaj and sometimes not. When I met him after about a year and a half, he said to me of his own accord, 'I shall feel relieved if I can somehow or other place all of you at the feet of Thakur. Thakur is our all in all--our supreme goal of life. He is also yours. It is his name alone that I give. He has permeated my body and mind.'

I cannot say why, but immediately after taking initiation my attraction toward my Gurudev steadily increased. It was not a desire for conversation or instruction, but just for the slightest contact, the mere sight of him, a momentary glance. He was a sthitaprajna, a great soul established in wisdom. His life was like a Veda to me, and my only goal was to have direct contact with it.

A golden opportunity to have Mahapurush Maharaj's holy company presented itself to me in the year 1929. He asked as soon as he saw me, 'Oh, why haven't you come for such a long time?'

I replied, 'I had gone to my village. Of course, I came to Calcutta from time to time, but I didn't come here for fear of my father.'

'What do you mean? Completely gone? Didn't you feel sad at your father's death?'

'Yes, I felt very sad. For a month I felt as if a blazing fire were burning within.'

Mahapurush Maharaj said in a voice filled with compassion, 'Yes, that is only natural. How precious a father is! How could you not feel pain! A father is the giver of birth, the source of life. He is to be looked upon as a god. A son is a portion of the father's own body. The father is the son's sole refuge. What support does a son have in life except his father? Ah, who is there in the world to look after you and show affection to you? Who will look after your needs?'

Heavy grief was visible within Mahapurush Maharaj as he pondered over my helpless condition. It seemed as if he had lost his own father. Seeing Mahapurush Maharaj so overwhelmed, I also felt overwhelmed. The death-destroying love and affection I felt that day in the midst of my terrible grief defies comparison.

He remained silent for a moment. His mood became indrawn. He cast an affectionate glance at me with eyes half open. I was also looking at him. I have heard many lectures and spiritual discourses. I have seen many become overcome with emotions during kirtan and devotional singing. But I have never seen anything to compare with that. My mind and heart were transfixed. I forgot about home, about my mother, brothers and sisters. The feeling awakened within me that my Gurudev was my nearest and dearest relative. It seemed that we had a relationship that went back life after life.