Sri Ramakrishna Math : The Vedanta Kesari, Reminiscences of Swami Shivananda

Iremained at the Math. I accompanied the others each morning and evening to have Mahapurush Maharaj's darshan. There was no conversation. Just seeing him our hearts became fullsuch is the enchanting power of love! I felt no desire to return home. One morning at sunrise I went to Mahapurush Maharaj's room all alone. I saw that he was looking at the photo of Thakur and speaking to himas if he were completely absorbed in him. I prostrated fully at his feet and then told him of my desire to remain at the Math. He replied, `Good, good, you may stay.'

Less than a week went by when it was decided that I would be sent to the Midna-pore Sevashrama. Nalini Maharaj took me to Mahapurush Maharaj and said to him, `He'll be going to the Midnapore Ashrama today.'

Mahapurush Maharaj replied, `It would have been better if he could have spent a few more days at the Math. However, there are sadhus there also. It will be good for him to stay there.' He called his attendant and asked him to bring some prasad. By eating the prasad, I felt as if I were receiving his grace. There was no limit to Gurudev's efforts to help shape my life.

I passed one year and five months in service in the ashrama in the midst of various adverse conditions. Whenever any disturbing problems arose, I would seek shelter with the indwelling Gurudev. Often I would hear his words in my mind. I felt his visible presence while sleeping, dreaming or awake. On the one side was the image of Gurudev's life of self-realization; on the other, the surrounding conditions of the ashramaa raging battle was taking place in the field of my mind. I wrote to Belur Math informing him briefly of my mental condition. The reply came: `Return home.'

His advice made my problem even more complicated. What kind of advice was this to give to one devoid of renunciation as I was? `Return home.' Were his words really a command to return home, or was he only testing me? I began to pass my days doing my work, while silently remaining engaged in prayer. But the path determined by our past is inexorable. My body and mind completely broke down in the whirlpool of karma. I had an attack of blood dysentery and was unable even to move. My relatives were informed, and they took me home.

It did not take very long for me to recover. But my mind was still somewhat depressed. Gurudev's instructions kept coming back to me. I remained prayerful that I should again be able to take up ashrama life. Suddenly the opportunity came. I went to Belur Math on a certain auspicious day. When I went to Mahapurush Maharaj's room I found that he was not there. As I was searching for him I went out on the verandah facing the Ganges. There I saw him sitting alone on a bench gazing at the Ganges. I bowed down to him, touching my head to the ground. When I lifted up my head, he said affectionately, `Oh, you have come. How are you?'

My heart was beating. How could I express my weakness to him? Finally I said, `I left the Midnapore Ashrama three months ago.'

His words awakened an entirely new conception in my mind. I remained motionless like a painting on a canvas. My doubt and wounded pride gradually disappeared. I had begun to consider myself unfit sometimes, and blamed my restlessness on my fickle mind. But now the idea that I was the recipient of his affection again bathed my mind. I had lost one father and gained another. The father who had given me birth in this life had disappeared. I had found the father who belonged to me life after life. A sound beating would have been an appropriate measure for this terrible disease of mine. But it was rather the attraction of Gurudev's love that conquered me.

I was staying at the Math. Many people would ask questions of Mahapurush Maharaj. I also, like a fool, asked one day, `I don't feel that real attraction for Thakur that I feel for you. How can I love someone I haven't seen?'

`Very well. Try to catch hold of Thakur through me. If you feel attracted to me, you will feel attracted to Thakur in no time! I am praying to Thakur to increase your love, devotion and faith. Struggle with all your strength. Leave the rest to me. I have taken your responsibility.'

None of the sadhus looked very favourably on my leaving the ashrama. They used to have their doubts about me. Because of my own restlessness, I also withdrew from them. I felt frightened, embarrassed and shamed half to death. One day I went to Mahapurush Maharaj with tears in my eyes and openly acknowledged my shortcomings. `Why have things turned out so badly? How can I live in harmony when my state of mind is so contrary? Even after receiving permission to stay in the ashrama, I foolishly wasted the opportunity. The mental anguish is destroying me. What will happen to me?'

Gurudev looked at me compassionately and said, `Be patient. No matter where you live, you are holding on to Thakur. I am looking after everything. Don't be afraid.' A few days later I was compelled to return home by my feelings of responsibility to my family.

The desire to renounce the world again awakened toward the end of 1929. This time I did not go to a nearby place, but to the distant Dhaka Ashrama. After six months there I came down with digestion problems. As my condition worsened, I was reduced to skin and bones. I sought shelter with Gurudev. With words of encouragement and instruction, he urged me to remain firm: `It is natural for a storm to rage through the body and mind as we build up our sadhu life. The place is new; the people are new; and the climate and water are also new. Is it so easy to adjust to a new climate? Pray to Thakur. He will bring peace to your mind and keep you in good health. Accept my unceasing love and blessings.' But my mind did not become steady even after receiving Gurudev's consoling words.

I dreamt late one night that I was dying. I wanted to take my final leave of everyone. I went to the temples of Thakur, Ma, Swamiji and Maharaj and fell prostrate before them. I did the same to all other revered sadhus. The boat was waiting for me by the bank of the Ganges. Inside was Mahapurush Maharaj, in a half-reclining position. He held out his hand as if offering to help me into the boat. I lay down at his feet like a lifeless person. The boat sped off at lightning speed. As I was watching, I saw that we had entered a blissful, solitary land. We kept going farther and farther along. He was sitting there with me on his lap. I sat there just like a five-year-old child. What joy! In the midst of that intense silence, the dream broke. I felt an indescribable bliss. My hair stood on end. The meaning of the dream became clear. I became intensely restless to see the `devata' (Mahapurush Maharaj) of my dream.

I left Dhaka and went to Belur Math. When I entered Mahapurush Maharaj's room, I found him lying on his bed. His health was not good. He inquired, `You have come from Dhaka? Good, good. I see that your health has broken down.'

I gently massaged his feet in an absorbed mood. There are no words to express the joy I felt. My mind was suffused with an indescribable bliss. I felt a thrill pass through my body. I became unaware even of where I was and what I was doing ... A few days later I was compelled to return home to recover my health.

Many family responsibilities had fallen on my shoulders after the passing away of my father. Mahapurush Maharaj knew all about it. With his blessings I led the life of a brahmachari at home and came to the Math from time to time. Occasionally I also spent a few nights at the Math. I visited the Math the day Mahapurush Maharaj had his last stroke, in 1933. Along with the stroke came paralysis of the right side. He also lost his power of speech. However, he did not seem the slightest bit agitated. His face radiated a heavenly joy. He seemed to be merged in samadhi.

Nineteen thirty-four was the final year of Mahapurush Maharaj's mortal existence. He passed nearly a year in a helpless and bedridden condition. During that time, he seemed to be in a constant state of samadhi and union with Thakur. On the day of Thakur's birthday celebration on February 15, 1934, he was slightly better. That day hundreds of devotees had his darshan. He blessed all of them, slightly raising his left hand and speaking indistinctly. How many devotees did he grace through those powerful eyes! It was an experience not of this world.

The day after the worship, his health suddenly took a turn for the worse. He had high fever and difficulty in breathing. The doctors prescribed medicine and provided round-the-clock service, but no improvement was seen. All the sadhus and devotees felt extremely anxious. On the public celebration day, February 18, his condition became exceedingly grave. The evening of the celebration, there came quite unexpectedly a terrible storm with large hailstones, lasting half an hour. The inauspicious weather seemed to foretell the upcoming bad news. Many people were injured during the hailstorm. The strangest thing about this event was that it was only in the village of Belur that this unexplainable hailstorm occurred. I left the Math broken-hearted after seeing Mahapurush Maharaj in this terrible condition. Two days later I had a remarkable dream. As I was sitting on my bed late at night in an abstracted mood, I saw Thakur standing before me. Maharaj was at a distance. Thakur motioned to Mahapurush Maharaj and said, `Come with me.'

Suddenly I awoke. The next day I read in the newspaper: `Srimat Swami Shivanandaji has made the great journey.'

The consoling words of Mahapurush Maharaj to this insignificant person ultimately came true: `Thakur is ever holding you by the hand. I am also there. What is there to fear?' In 1936 I again came to the holy Ramakrishna Order for shelter. I remain waiting for Thakur to give the call. For he had said, `I'll take you, also.' May his words bear fruit!