Sri Ramakrishna Math : The Vedanta Kesari, October 2002

Following the life and message of Swamiji, if we strive to mould our life and character we will be able to achieve happiness and peace for ourselves and for all our relations and fellow beings. In his book The Saving Challenges of Religion Swami Budhananda writes to this effect: 'Suppose we build enduring dams and at the same time produce brittle men; what is the economics of it? Suppose we make robots more intelligent than us; is it not a civilization on the reverse? Suppose we establish lines of communications connecting the whole world through which we are apt to scatter our inner venom all over the world; then how far have we covered distances? & In fact, we are the clever undoers of ourselves.' Let us not work under the exuberance of unharnessed and emotional youth power. It lures the young mind to unreasonable hopes which are more damaging than having no hope. It breeds arrogance in the name of self-confidence.

Shraddhâ: There is lot of confusion about how one should prepare oneself to face the challenges in life. This depends on our true assessment of ourselves, and our integrity. Swamiji is tireless in calling upon the youth to grow in one essential thing called 'character'. Character includes one's developing the virtues of shraddhâ, which is a key word in his scheme of man-making. In modern parlance it can be termed as self-esteem or self-confidence. Build up self-confidence and not confidence alone, is the gist of his message.

The etymological definition of self-confidence is that it is an 'attitude'. Individuals are said to be self-confident if they have a positive and also realistic view about themselves, and about their situation. People may have confidence about their abilities, have an understanding about the necessity of discipline in life, and have a reasonable idea of their purposes, plans and performance. Though it presents a picture that much of self-confidence depends on one's abilities, it cannot be equated with ability. Abilities do not cover all the aspects of one's life--some people may be talented in some areas of their lives like tackling emergencies, performing their allotted duties to satisfaction, etc., but may not be gifted in respect of their relationship with the society, in athletics, in studies, etc. In most of the cases, we try to build our confidence on how ably we handled situations earlier. When we understand our limitations and at the same time our possibilities, we will be able to get confidence and will be free from over-confidence, arrogance, hopelessness and diffidence. Our success and failure imprint on our minds the sense of confidence or lack of it. This needs no elaboration, as it is everybody's experience.

Before we try to understand and then improve our self-confidence, let us discuss some factors that lead to the loss of self-confidence. There are many factors of which we shall dwell on a very important few:

1. A Wrong Judgment of One's Own Worth: As we discussed above, in most of the cases our self-confidence depends on how we have handled the previous situations. Unrealistically, we set a 'all or none' standard for achievement. This is day-dreaming. If we fail to perform up to our own expectation, we take it not as a partial but a total failure and as a result we start losing confidence in ourselves. This happens because of our wrong judgment of our own worth. It is easier to say 'I failed' than 'I succeeded partially'.

2. Mistakes Are Not so Serious as We Think: Mistakes are common to all performances. It should be borne in mind that it is through mistakes that we learn more than through successes. There is a saying: To err is human. A single mistake, a single failure, a single criticism or passing comment makes us terribly miserable. We feel, we have lost all hopes in all things. This is a case of our magnifying the negative and belittling the positive. Too much expectation about any thing often leads us to big failures.

3. Dependence on Others' Opinions: This is one of the harmful tendencies of a weak mind. We depend too much upon the opinion, approval and criticism of others. It is solely because we do not have our own inner resources to support us that we are afraid of risking the disapproval of others. It proves a fact that we have failed to develop a personal standard that is not dependent on others' approval.

4. An Unrealistic Confidence: Interestingly, lack of confidence does not depend on lack of abilities. It is dependent on too much of unrealistic expectations of us and of others. We feel that we will be able to do all the things. Therefore, when some of our expectations are not met, we become negative. It is always good that we should hope for the best, but we should also be prepared for the worst.

1. Be Aware of the Reality: The very first significant thing we should accept is that none of us is perfect. It is a fact. Let us not deny this reality, and so accept the truth that in spite of our mistakes and failures, we can value ourselves. Limitations are inevitable. So we should try to evaluate the efforts instead of evaluating the results. Let us accept that fluctuations in self-confidence are common to all of us. It is not 'your' or 'my' peculiarity or special trait. Rather, a weak mind draws its sustenance from finding fault with others. So, let us not try to see ourselves through others' eyes, or evaluate ourselves upon others' opinions, appreciation, or criticism. It just does not matter. We are as we are. Swamiji calls it 'my-ise'.

2. Appreciate Good Things in Ourselves: There are many good qualities in each of us, which we generally take for granted. The Mândukya Upanishad speaks about a relational reality of the world. It is not noticed when we have good relation with others. We take it for granted. But when there is disagreement, we start worrying about the relation. We should spot the areas in our lives where we do well. And when we feel lack of confidence, we should perform some items from that area. It may sound very simple, but it will surely help us rebuild our confidence. In other words, let us build a solid concept of a positive self-image and of ourselves. Swamiji says: He who does not believe in himself is an atheist.

3. Have a Friend: It is important for all of us irrespective of our age, situations in life, vocations, etc. to have a trusted and intimate friend. The friend should be such that he/she will be able to comfort us by spotting good points in us, and also will not hesitate to draw our attention to our faults. We can safely confide the whole of a problem to the friend, and generally it so happens that in the course of talking, we may discover the valuable things about ourselves and also the main points that caused our failure. On his part the friend may be able to draw our attention to a vital point that we failed to notice. There is a story:

Once a certain religious institution was losing members. The authorities tried many ways to attract people to the institution, without success. Then they wrote to a newspaper editor craving her counsel. In their letter they wrote: 'We have a beautiful library with a good number of books of the latest tastes, a fantastic air-conditioned lecture hall, half a dozen baby-sitters ... still the number is falling alarmingly. We have tried all these means, to no effect. What should we do now?' The editor then wrote a single sentence as a solution to this problem: 'Why not try religion!' The story reveals that the authorities failed to highlight the main mission of a religious institution. Hence the fall in the number of members.

4. Take up Some Challenges: If we go on avoiding works that pose challenges to us, then it is sure that we become a bundle of negatives. One is a fool who says: until I learn how to swim I shall not touch water! On the other hand, if we start doing things with a little risk or challenge, ignoring success and failure, we will slowly but surely acquire confidence. Loss of confidence generally arises from expecting too much.

Sri Krishna says to Arjuna in the Gitâ, 'same kritvâ lâbha-alâbhau jaya-ajayau', i.e., maintaining equipoise in loss and gain, in victory and defeat, (you should fight). The famous story of 'Robert Bruce and the Spider' is an eye-opener. Robert Bruce failed many times in his attempt to defeat his enemy and regain control over his kingdom. He had to take shelter in a secluded cave for dear life. There he saw a remarkable scene: a spider falling down again and again in its attempt to climb up the wall. In spite of its failures, it was relentless in its efforts. This instance taught a great lesson to Bruce. He regained courage, collected his men, and fought fiercely until his victory. Robert Bruce's doggedness in spite of many defeats is an example of confidence that finally led him to his success. A person is judged by what he has already done, and not by what he is capable of doing. Because it represents his mental make up. Trying new things will open up possibilities for us. Sometimes, parents are too careful and concerned about their children. While they are mindful about children's growth by facing the academic competitions, they are afraid to allow them to grow by facing challenges of real life. It does not help growth. While we grow in age, we should learn to outgrow childhood, choosing those influences which we would like to continue.

5. Practise Dry Run: It is also called rehearsal. Let us try to see the whole work and talk within ourselves. This part of our concern about our performance is known as 'vision'. Let us evaluate our ability and seek help from others, if needed. Self-confidence is not arrogance; we can approach anybody for suggestion, help, etc.

6. Trust in Goodness: Sometimes it is seen that we have no faith in our own goodness, and also in the goodness of others. This creates a very harmful influence on the process of building up self-confidence. As we improve on this score, we will start believing in the power of goodness too. This is the most essential thing. In today's world such people are becoming less and less in number.

An Assessment: A very wrong understanding about self-confidence is that it is an attitude belonging to the sphere of psychology. Far from it. If we speak about only 'confidence', then it may be all right. But when we add to it the word 'self', we have to go deeper. Psychological factors are bound by the mind. Hence when our mind is upset for any reason, we just fail to do any work. It is because we have affirmed ourselves as the mind and mind alone. The self is what is inherent in us and our confidence depends on the quality of its manifestation. Let us learn about ourselves. The Upanishads exhort: âtmânam viddhi, know thyself. Let us feel a sense of respect for the self and not confidence alone. There is not only one situation or one work for us in this life that if we fail to meet its demand we are doomed. Let us set it aside, and take up other challenges and face them with our whole self. Self-confidence, therefore, is an awareness and not an attitude only. And to tell the truth, the scriptures say, it is not even awareness, but awakening (jâgrata). Let us remember Swamiji's call, 'Arise, awake and stop not till the goal is reached.' This awakening of the self is the sign of self-confidence. This is what is called character. Let us rouse the sleeping lion, the self, and then, not only confidence but also all other things will be added unto us.

Brahmacharya or Continence: The word Brahmacharya is often misinterpreted and therefore easily misunderstood. Apart from the meaning of 'continence' its definition includes study of the Vedas (Brahma), and practising austerities (brahmane vedârtham charyam âcharaniyam, or brahmajnânam tapo vâ âcharati arjayati). They are the mandatory duties assigned to a Brahmachari or student for the practice and acquisition of virtues. Continence goes with the study of values, with one's text books, and practice of hardship, both physical and mental. Otherwise, it has no direction and utility and will be unable to convince an immature mind that is mostly guided by immediate benefits. Needless to say, due to the present day social circumstances, we have lost sight of the contributions of the ashrama dharma of yore. Yet, Brahmacharya ashrama which was the first among them, has gained more and more importance with the changes. The Mahânirvana Tantra observes:

Brahmacharya-âshramo nâsti
vânaprasthopi na priye.
Gârhasthyo bhaikshukashchaiva
âshramau dvau kalau yuge.

O My Dear, in Kali Yuga there is no Brahmacharya ashrama and also no Vânaprastha ashrama; Gârhasthya and Sannyasa are the two ashramas now.

A great responsibility on the householder's life, indeed; and a risky undertaking for one who wants to follow a life fruitfully through stages (ashramas--the student life, the married life, and the retired life) to its consummation in final departure. The stages (ashramas) are just divisions of time due to changes in the body. In earlier days they used to practise the four stages (ashramas) at four different places--Brahmacharis used to live with the gurus, Gihasthas in the house-hold, Vânaprasthis and sannyasis away from society. Now all the first three stages have come under one roof called Grihastha ashrama. Hence there is the inevitable mix-up of them. That is why young people want to behave like the old and vice versa. It calls for a greater commitment and competence on the part of one who would dare to sail through the turbulent waters at the confluence of rivers. Therefore, Sri Ramakrishna equated the life of a householder with the condition of a person discharging duties with a heavy load on the head. At the same time, he drew our attention to its advantage: that it is like fighting from within a fort. Yet the risks cannot be under-estimated, because we are no less harmful to ourselves than our enemies. In the modern set up of a house-hold, things have changed disproportionately. One wonders if any more distinctions between the three stages still remain to be obliterated. All sacredness of the life in the house-hold has been vulgarized on the TV screen, which is regarded as a permanent member there. The immature minds are the most vulnerable to these growing threats of losing the meaning of life. That is why tough preparations have to be undertaken in the student's life itself to face newer and more formidable problems in life. The older people with a stature tempered with disillusioning experiences can, if they try, save them.

At this juncture, the youth cannot allow their own potential to go waste or unharnessed. They are endowed with the courage to keep themselves away from avoidable losses. Brahmacharya, in a sense, is just the practice by which one can save the Ojas or energy from going waste lavishly through all the senses. Call it continence or chastity, it is meant for both men and women. Let us recall Shankara's words cautioning us against our helplessness not due to our weaknesses, but our abilities. We are endowed with all of those five senses even one of which has the power to lead a living being to its destruction--Shankara says.

Healthy habits like having pictures of men and women of character hung on the walls of one's dwelling place, hearing slow vocal or instrumental music, using incense sticks of mild scent, physical exercises, cleanliness of body and place, moderation in eating and sleeping, practice of prânâyâma and concentration (meditation), etc. are pre-requisites to maintaining a high standard of physical and mental health and, along with it, continence. This is a practice of trusting and loving the spiritual self in us. It is not that we are not observing these disciplines in our daily life, the only deficiency is--we are not observing them with awareness. We should be aware that we are doing them as disciplines guided toward a cherished goal. Then only will we be mindful about the disciplines and they will produce the maximum result (yat shraddhayâ karoti tat viryavattaram bhavati).

Education: By education the experts throughout the world understand a process that is not confined to the four walls of academic institutions. It is, as Sri Ramakrishna puts it, a continuous process of learning throughout one's life. Academic competence is of course one of the aspects of this integrated education. But it includes creative competence also. Swamiji does not discourage collection of information, rather he appreciates it to the extent it assists us to acquire supportive knowledge to develop creative competence. The aspect of vocational competence is also necessary to inspire creative competence.

The youth do not grow out of the bounds of a society. They are required to acquire inter-personal competence for mutual living (parasparam bhâvayantah). Their participation in social activities for common good will help them develop a sense of community. Further, the education about a society's commitments to a nation has to be handed down to the newer members. Through participation in community activities the youth will inherit traditions, obligations, responsibilities and duties. They form ingredients of true education.

All these will help them to form their character. Swamiji defines character as what a person is, not as s/he appears to be. The appearance is a mask called personality. But character is the depth of one's reality or being. Character helps one to judge things or events in depth and not at face value. A person of character develops tremendous ability to absorb the turmoil on the surface of an event and bring out the gist of it at ease. Owing to the abundance of this strength a person of character conquers the world.