Mother's Grace

Swami Apurvananda

Translated from original Bengali by Ms.Maloti Sengupta of Kolkata from Sri Sri Mayer Pada-prante published by Udbodhan Karyalaya, Kolkata 700003.

The year 1918 is the most memorable year of my life. That was the year I first met Mother, visited Belur Math-the holiest place of modern times, and in that very year I had darshan of five direct disciples of Sri Ramakrishna--Swami Brahmananda, Swami Shivananda, Swami Saradananda, Swami Turiyananda and Swami Subodhananda.

A few days after Kojagari Lakshmi Puja (an autumn festival closely following Durga Puja) I went to Belur Math for the first time and spent a few days there. There is a story behind this too. Once I dreamt of Belur Math and Mahapurush Maharaj. I wrote to Mahapurush Maharaj about it and begged his permission to visit Belur Math. On receiving his letter granting me permission to do so, I set out for Belur Math and on arriving there found that it was exactly as I had dreamt.

I climbed the stairs leading to the shrine (the old one) on the first floor and as soon as I made my obeisance I was filled with joy. A little later I descended to the courtyard and requested a monk to help me get darshan of Mahapurush Maharaj. He took me to Maharaj's room. Immediately upon climbing up the stairs of the monks' quarters, the sight of an aged monk of divine and serene appearance revealed to me that he was no other than the great man I had dreamt of. He looked at me affectionately; his eyes seemed to overflow with compassion. I was overwhelmed and fell at his feet. When I prayed to him for initiation he said, 'But I don't impart initiation to anybody. Thakur himself is your guru. Repeat the name Ramakrishna that delivers one from all sins; that alone will do you much good. Later, if initiation is necessary, that too he himself will take care of.'

A few days later when I went one morning to offer pranams to Mahapurush Maharaj as usual, he referred to the Mother saying, 'You haven't seen the Mother, have you? You are very fortunate that Mother is residing at present at Udbodhan in Baghbazar --go and have her darshan. Raja Maharaj and Hari Maharaj are at Balaram Mandir, visit them too.' He directed me to go the very next morning. He added, 'Tell Sarat Maharaj at Udbodhan and Raja Maharaj and Hari Maharaj at Balaram Mandir when you have their darshan, that I have sent you from the Math.'

Next morning I took a boat to Baghbazar. After getting off the boat when I found my way to Udbodhan I saw a horsedrawn carriage standing at the entrance. It rolled away as soon as I reached there. When I entered Mother's house a monk said, 'Sri Sri Ma has just left for Balaram Mandir in the carriage.' So I could not have darshan in the morning and as evening hours were meant for women devotees only, he said it was impossible for me to obtain darshan before the next morning.

My heart sank on hearing this. At that time a stout, elderly monk returned after bathing in the Ganga. He had a wet gamchha (a fine hand woven towel popular in Bengal) draped round his waist, a folded wet dhoti on his shoulder and a small pitcher of Ganga water in his hand. When I was about to touch his feet, he said in a deep voice, 'Wait, let me wash my feet.' The first monk informed me that he was Swami Saradananda. As soon as he came to the verandah after washing his feet I offered pranams and prayed for permission to have darshan of Mother. I also reported that I had been sent by Revered Mahapurush Maharaj. Swami Saradananda too said that Mother's darshan would not be possible that day but it might be possible the next morning.

After offering my pranams to some other monks at Udbodhan, I made for Balaram Mandir to have darshan of Raja Maharaj and Hari Maharaj. There I had darshan of Raja Maharaj. Though I was not fortunate enough to have darshan of Sri Sri Thakur, I considered myself fortunate indeed to be able to see his spiritual son in person and to touch his feet. But I could not meet Hari Maharaj. The attendant monk told me that his (Hari Maharaj's) darshan could be had in the evening. I went back to Balaram Mandir in the evening and met the attendant monk.

He conducted me to Hari Maharaj's room. First I prostrated, my head touching the floor, and then touched his feet. He told me to sit on the small bench beside him and discoursed affectionately on diverse matters. I was rather depressed by my inability to have darshan of Mother. With sympathetic understanding he said, 'Is it so easy to obtain darshan of Mother? She has not favoured you with darshan today so that your ardour may intensify. You will have darshan of her after some time. Don't let that upset you. When your longing for her intensifies, at the rightmoment she will favour you with darshan. Weep and pray to her. She will certainly be pleased and grant your wish.' I had had no idea that so much significance was attached to darshan of Mother, that so much preparation was necessary. Comforted by his words, I touched his feet and returned to my dwelling.

Next morning I went for Mother's darshan but did not succeed. The monks said that for a particular reason men were not to have darshan that morning. They told me to come the next morning. Much depressed, I went to Balaram Mandir for darshan of Revered Raja Maharaj and Hari Maharaj, but that too without success. That one day seemed to be an age to me. I tried my best to engage myself in meditation and prayers, but nothing could fill the huge void within my heart. I was racked by excruciating agony. In the evening I went again to Hari Maharaj and he said many things to comfort me. Having spent a long time with him, soothed by his loving words, I returned home most reluctantly. At night I was too disturbed to get sleep.

I was put up at the house of a devotee. Early next morning after bathing in the Ganga I sat in their worship room for meditation. In a very short while I had a miraculous experience. Beside myself with joy and wonder I sat for a long time on my asana hardly aware of my surroundings. At last when I got up, it was past 6.30 in the morning. Musing on that morning's meditation, I set out for Mother's house with high expectations.

On reaching Udbodhan I found that 15 to 20 devotees desirous of Mother's darshan had already assembled there. Learning that we would have Mother's darshan that day my joy knew no bounds. After half past seven a monk came with a large plate on which sal leaves with prasad were carefully placed and distributing these he said, 'Mother has sent the prasad, have it and wait till you are called, then all of you will go for darshan.' He added that the Mother herself had arranged the prasad on the leaves and sent them for the devotees. With great delight I had the prasad. Mother in her graciousness had sent the prasad personally, what could be a greater boon? The prasad carried her touch, her love and compassion.