Sri Ramakrishna Math : The Vedanta Kesari, June 2002

The devotees were discussing how one had to go up the front staircase and descend down another after darshan, and that Mother did not speak to male devotees and so on. I had not known all this and when I heard that she did not speak to men I was rather dejected. I would address her as Mother; wouldn't she respond? Wouldn't she utter a single word? Such misgivings seemed to break my heart into a hundred pieces, when I noticed a commotion among the devotees. They were filing up the stairs in an orderly manner and the line reached the bottom of the staircase. In a childish whim I decided that I would be behind all others and would be the last to offer pranams to Mother. Then I feared that Mother might go away by that time and I might not be able to offer pranams to her. But as nothing could be done to mend matters, I stood behind all others silently praying and thinking of Mother. My experience during meditation that morning brightened my memory.

I followed the devotees as they advanced up the stairs and on reaching upstairs I noticed that in front of the door to a room each one was bending his head to the floor by way of salutation and then going down another staircase on the other side. I went forward, there was none behind me. When I reached the door I saw Mother seated, wrapped in a white silk shawl from head to foot, her face veiled, even her feet being invisible. My heart sank but there was no time for delay. I knelt and lowered my head to the ground to offer pranams--perhaps for a few seconds or a minute I remained thus, my eyes filled with tears. As soon as I raised my head I saw that Mother had set aside the shawl and revealed her face. She was looking at me tenderly. I was overwhelmed with joy. As soon as I stretched my hand to touch her feet, Mother, smiling, wiped away my tears with her hand and touching my chin, kissed me (in traditional Indian style). Then, in a very sweet voice she asked, 'My child, have you had prasad?' Gazing at her face I just said, 'Yes, Mother, I have.' That was all, only this brief exchange. My heart was full, moved by her loving touch and sweet words. I just gazed at Mother in wonder--it was her that I had seen during my meditation that morning. That same mother-figure, wearing a white sari with a very narrow red border, had held me on her lap, pressed me to her bosom, kissed and caressed me all over in so many ways. I felt that I was dreaming. I suppressed the desire to ask Mother about it and left after touching her feet once again. Having gone a few steps I looked back to find Mother still seated as before, regarding me affectionately. Her eyes were following me. Now, after all these years, I have come to realize that however far I may go I can never go beyond the range of her vision.

Immediately upon coming down my first impulse was to rush to Revered Hari Maharaj with the news of my great fortune. But it was half-past eight and chances were that it would not be possible to meet him then. Besides, it also struck me that I had been away from the Math for three days, though I had come for one day only and was to have returned the same day. Due to the uncertainty over Mother's darshan I had not even sent any message to the Math. So I decided to return to the Math at once.

I could never meet Revered Hari Maharaj again in this life. Through his blessings alone I had succeeded in obtaining darshan of Mother. It was his sacred touch that had sanctified my body and mind. It was his prayers that had removed all the obstacles on the way to my darshan of Mother. His powerful inspiration had guided me on the path of spiritual advancement. To this day I regret my inability to convey to him my heartfelt gratitude.

On reaching the Math I reported everything to Mahapurush Maharaj. He was pleased and said, 'You are very fortunate, else circumstances could hardly have been so favourable. You have had darshan of Mother, she has spoken to you, she has blessed you--such things are not common experience. Great good will befall you, I tell you, great good indeed! Thakur has bestowed his grace on you.'

On that occasion I spent about ten days at Belur Math and returned home with just a body, my heart having been left behind.

In August, 1919, Ramakrishna Mission was engaged in famine relief operations in the district of Bankura. Mahapurush Maharaj wrote to me, 'Two sadhus from our Math have begun famine relief operations in the Indpur area of Bankura district. One more hand is needed. Therefore come to the Math immediately upon receiving this letter. We shall send you to Bankura for relief work.' Within just a few hours of getting the letter I left home and set out for Belur Math taking nothing at all with me. Arriving at the Math on the third day, as soon as I offered pranams to Mahapurush Maharaj, he exclaimed with joy, 'So you are here! Very good, this very night you have to leave for Bankura.'

I joined the relief work at Indpur. Mother also hailed from Bankura district and besides that, she was at Jairambati then. Considering the time most opportune for meeting Mother and obtaining initiation from her, I wrote to Mahapurush Maharaj that obtaining Mother's grace would be possible only if he kindly wrote to her recommending my initiation.

Mahapurush Maharaj replied immediately, 'You wish to have darshan of Mother's divine feet, nothing can be better. When you go there tell her, "Swami Shivananda has sent me to Bankura to serve the famine stricken people, I have come from there for darshan of your holy feet and to receive your grace. Please bestow your grace on me." If you just say this she will impart initiation to you. The door to her compassion is left ever open; she does not turn away anyone. So, there is no need for a separate letter from me. Read out this letter at her holy feet, that will be enough.' The letter made me very happy indeed--it filled my heart with hope and joy. However, I could not let the work assigned to me suffer by going away. So I waited for a suitable opportunity for darshan of Mother.

In the same letter Mahapurush Maharaj had asked for two gamchhas. I bought two from the local market and sent them to him by registered post. On receiving them he wrote to me, 'Today I received the two gamchhas sent by you. Those on whom Mother bestows her grace are blessed. Go to her and offering pranams at her holy feet say, "Mother, have compassion on me." Thereafter accept with humility whatever she graciously decides. If she is compassionate and imparts initiation to you, consider yourself fortunate indeed. She is the Mother of all of us. If you receive initiation from her, the purpose of your life is fulfilled. Know that I shall also be very happy. It is the name of the Master that she will bestow on you--that is the name she gives to everyone.'

This letter intensified my longing for darshan of Mother. I prayed fervently and an opportunity soon came my way. Having obtained a few days' leave I set out for darshan of Mother.

I walked all the way to the ashrama at Bankura where I took the train to Garbeta. I spent one night at the ashrama there. Then early one morning in mid-August I was on my way to holy Jairambati. My feet were bare, the road was slippery with slush, and to make matters worse there was also a light shower of rain. When I reached the outskirts of Jairambati around five in the afternoon my heart began to pound in my breast like a husking-pedal. Passing the mud huts lining the road on both sides, I finally arrived at the doorway to Mother's house. Though I had not given any prior intimation of my visit, somehow Mother seemed to have come to know. As soon as I disclosed my name to the sadhus who served her and prayed for permission to see Mother, they took me inside the house. Mother was standing at the entrance to her room with one hand resting on the door. After offering pranams as I raised my head, she exlaimed, 'Poor child! How worn out he is, he hasn't had anything to eat today. Give him something to eat.' I drew out the letter written by Mahapurush Maharaj from my pocket and was about to read it out when Mother interrupted, 'The letter can wait. Now, my child, first have a wash and then have something to eat.'

After I had had a wash the attendant monk led me to the next room. There was a mat, a glass of water, a heap of puffed rice on a plate and pudding made with the juice of the palmyra-fruit. With my head bent and my mind pre-occupied with thoughts of Mother, I finished it all. How wonderful it tasted, like nectar! I had had puffed rice with palmyra-fruit pudding so many times before but never had it seemed so delicious.

At Jairambati Mother seemed to be really motherlike. In a white sari, grey with use, she stood awaiting my arrival with such love and compassion! When I had seen her about ten months ago at 'Mother's House' in Baghbazar she had not seemed so close.

A little later I went again to Mother. She was sitting in the verandah outside her room, her legs stretched out, and cutting vegetables. After touching her feet I sat beside her and read out the letter from Mahapurush Maharaj. She enquired after Tarak's (Mahapurush Maharaj's) welfare and questioned me with much solicitude about our famine-relief work. Regarding the initiation she said, 'My child, tomorrow is an auspicious day (perhaps it was Janmashtami), so tomorrow I shall impart initiation to you. Don't eat anything in the morning. After your bath, wait. I shall call you when it is time.' Then she asked me to offer pranams in the adjoining room where she performed puja.

I had taken with me homeopathic medicine which the doctor swami, Baikuntha Maharaj of Bankura, had sent for her urticaria. As soon as I gave it to her she said, movingly, 'Baikuntha has sent medicine for me? Give it to me, my child, give it to me. Baikuntha's medicine heals all ailments. See how my whole body is affected, this acute suffering from urticaria does not let me remain in peace.' As she spoke she uncovered her chest and back to show me the affected parts and her suffering brought tears to my eyes. She put away the medicine and with deep concern sought news of Baikuntha Maharaj and others. She chatted about so many more matters!

Gradually evening shadows grew darker; lamps were lit in all the rooms. In Mother's room too a lamp was lit and incense was burned. I returned to the outer quarters.

That night I was the only devotee at Jairambati. Mother stood a little apart when I ate and supervised my meal closely as I had not eaten during the day. I spent an almost sleepless night in impatient anticipation of the auspicious morning. In the morning I bathed in the pond and awaited her call. I neither knew nor had I found out what were the requisites for an initiation. Besides, I had no money at all. Around 8 o'clock the attendant-sadhu took me to Mother's worship room and closed the door from outside. Mother was seated on an asana, performing puja, and beside her there was another asana. Mother directed me to sit there after offering pranams to Thakur. When I had done so, she poured a little Ganga water in my hands and sprinkled some of it all over my body. She passed her hand lightly over my head and body. At her touch I felt a thrilling sensation and inexpressible joy filled my heart. Mother sat with her eyes closed for some time and then asked me, 'Does Thakur appeal to you?' As soon as I had confirmed that it was so, she uttered a mantra three times and asked me to repeat it. Immediately after that she suddenly pointed at the wall alongside saying, 'Here, here is your Ishta (Chosen Ideal)!' At once the wall was illuminated by a blinding flash of dazzling light in which a living, effulgent form of a goddess manifested itself. She was gazing at me tenderly. In the twinkling of an eye something indefinable seemed to have taken place. I lost all awareness of myself, being in a state of utter bewilderment. This lasted only a few seconds. Mother's appearance too had undergone a change then. Moments later Mother asked me gently, 'My child, were you afraid?' I sat silently with my head bowed, unable to reply. Then Mother held my right hand and carefully taught me the process of japa, touching each and every relevant spot on my palm. Mother was speaking to me but somehow I was not myself. Repeatedly she touched my fingers at the relevant spots and uttering the mantra, kept demonstrating the method of japa again and again, asking me to repeat the mantra after her. I did so. Finally she indicated Thakur's picture and said, 'Offer pranams to him, he alone is your Guru--he is your all in all, in this world and the next. Thakur himself is the essence of all gods and goddesses.' I offered pranams to Thakur and then to Mother also. Then she gave me instructions regarding the number of times the mantra was to be repeated and some advice relating to meditation. I did not have any idea at that time of Mother's real identity, her true nature, nor do I still have any. But it had struck me then that she had the power to bring about at will the manifestation of God.

There were two fruits kept beside Mother's asana. Taking these she said, 'Put them in my hands.' I obeyed. Perhaps that was the offering to the Guru. I had not taken anything with me, neither money nor fruits, nor even flowers. I was trembling from head to foot.

Again I offered pranams to Mother. This intimate interaction with Mother filled my heart with bliss. Mother said tenderly, 'Now go to your room and for some time practise japa as I have shown you. Then you will have breakfast.'